Author Archives: Steve Coxsey

When Should You Start?

Is it perfect? Almost certainly not, since that’s nearly impossible.

Is it ideal? Not likely, since there’s so much unknown and still unknowable.

But you come up with the best plan you can, combining experience and knowledge and wisdom in your imagination to speculate about what will work, and then you test it. As you test it, “life” gives you feedback on how it compares to ideal, and to perfect.

So you redesign and test again, learning and improving along the way.

You have to test the not-ideal in order to discover what is ideal. There’s no other way I know to get there. Look forward to finding out what doesn’t work and what you don’t like.

“What if there’s something wrong with my plan?”

There surely is! Celebrate that, look forward to finding it, embrace it, and lean into it. That is the path towards finding what you ultimately want.

What Is Your Optimism Style?

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There’s a little bit of theory I want to share to set the table for the exploration. It’s called attribution theory and includes people’s typical attributional styles. It’s a little complicated, but I hope I can make it simple for you.

Theory? Let’s Not Get Too Complicated
We have three dimensions to consider when deciding how we explain anything that happens to us. We’re looking at causality, meaning assigning a cause for an outcome. One dimension is internal vs. external. Did this happen because of something I did or something about me, or because of something outside of me?

The second dimension is state vs. trait, or stable vs. temporary. If you did well, do you believe you tried harder or that you are always highly capable? Do you maybe believe that in this situation you were lucky, or that you are always lucky?

The third dimension is our evaluation of the outcome. Was it positive or negative? Was it a good thing or a bad thing?

4 Attributions For Whatever Happens
Internal/External and Stable/Temporary create a two by two matrix with four combinations. We have attributions to:

Internal Stable factors
Examples: “I’m naturally talented at math” or “I’m not any good at math.”
Internal Temporary factors

Examples: “I came up with a strategy that worked” or “I wasn’t paying close attention.”
External Stable factors
Examples: “People are generally kind and helpful” or “Things usually go wrong.”
External Temporary factors
Examples: “The other robot broke down” or “It was rainy and the field was slippery.”

8 Categories When You Consider The Outcome
When you include the value of the outcome, positive or negative, there are eight attributions, such as Internal Stable for a Positive Outcome or External Temporary for a Negative outcome.

Optimism plays a role in expecting positive outcomes, but it’s also involved in explaining away negative outcomes. When you consider different paths to optimism, which produce different Optimism Styles, you see how it can be beneficial in some situations and detrimental in others.

Different Kinds Of Optimism: Optimism Styles
Attributing positive outcomes to something Internal and Stable like well-developed skill or reliance on strengths and talents could create an Optimism Style rooted in preparation and ability. Attributing positive outcomes to something External and Stable like luck, “things just seem to go my way,” or “things always works out well for me,” could create an Optimism style that downplays the importance of preparation and effort.

On the other hand, when things turn out disappointing, an Internal Temporary attribution, like “I didn’t try very hard” or “I was having an off day” could be part of an Optimism Style that points to a path to improvement. An External Temporary attribution like “It was an unusually hectic time so I didn’t have time to focus on this” could be a path to self-compassion and also show a path forward because it considers preparation and focus important. But an External Temporary attribution like “The people we had to deal with were just too demanding” could take the heat off and lead to an Optimism Style that focuses more on the luck of circumstances than the controllable impact of preparation and effort.

Let’s consider applications to make this exploration more useful.

Check Your Optimism
Get curious about times you feel optimistic so you can develop a healthy, high-functioning Optimism Style. Notice where your attribution is that leads to optimism.

Do you generally think it’s something under your control or out of your control? Something that you can choose to do, or something in your nature that just leads to positive outcomes? Notice that one path encourages preparation and effort and the other tells you they are unnecessary.

Get curious about how you track the way things turn out for you. Are you pretty accurate? Do you think things go well more often than they really do? Does your optimism keep your attention on good outcomes and tend to ignore the bad ones? If so, you might want to consider replacing those automatic thought patterns with something new and more in line with real outcomes.

Check Your Pessimism
Get curious about times you feel pessimistic so you can boost your optimism and find a healthy, high-functioning Optimism Style. Notice how you attribute negative outcomes.

Do you generally think something like, “Nothing ever works out for me” or maybe “I’m just not very good at things like this”? If so, you can challenge those thoughts by tracking outcomes, since pessimism is likely to focus your attention on the negative ones and downplay the positive ones. Seeing more positive outcomes than you automatically expect is a great nudge, or kick, to reshape your thoughts.

Get curious about your level of preparation and effort when you have an expectation that you’re not good at something or that things don’t go well for you. Are those beliefs keeping you from doing what it takes to be successful? What could motivate you to do something within your control to try for a better outcome? What belief would serve you better?

Here’s a hint. Take some time to learn about Carol Dweck’s growth mindset concept and see how you can find optimism in it.

Lead it forward: A great place to start is to be aware of whether you think of yourself as a generally optimistic or pessimistic person. Then start noticing how you attribute causality that contributes to your optimism or pessimism. Consider what a healthy Optimism Style looks like for you and find a way to practice new thoughts to replace your automatic evaluations. You might find as a “hopelessly romantic optimist” you need to be more realistic to get better outcomes, or as a pessimist you need to see what is under your control and focus there. Once you’re comfortable sorting out different aspects of optimism and pessimism, look for opportunities to bring this into your conversations with people you supervise and lead.

The Robot Saga Continues
Here’s a follow-up on the progress of my son’s Carroll Dragons Team 7110 Z and their robot, Mikey. They made it to the semifinals in the competition at their high school and the following weekend made it to the semifinals in the last regular season competition. They also competed in skills tests and scored high enough to be invited to the state tournament at the end of the month.

Was this the result of Design Thinking and hard work? Was it just luck? Was it the individual effort of the driver who navigated the skills course?

YES!

All of these factors came together to put the team in a strong enough position to qualify. It’s a good example of how optimism fueling effort is a strong combination. They have a hopelessly romantic optimist on their team, after all.

How A Healthy Optimism Style Can Work To Your Benefit
It’s also a good example of how optimism tuned well can down-regulate the focus on negative outcomes and up-regulate the focus on positive outcomes. Go too far with this and you stop worrying about needing to prepare and show effort because you ignore the negative possibilities. But focus too much on negative outcomes and you get disheartened and might want to give up.

It seems that a healthy Optimism Style that acknowledges negative outcomes but focuses more on good outcomes with positive expectation might promote sustained effort towards success. Or is that maybe a limit to my own optimism based on my cautious, somewhat skeptical style? Does believing things work out well really lead to things working out well?

That’s hard for this skeptic to believe. I’m going to get curious about my own skepticism to see how I can boost my optimism.

May you be well, may you do well, and may you Thrive!

Take Care,

Stephen Coxsey, MA, LPC, PCC
Whole Life Leadership Coach

Newsletter Intro 02-2017

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The robotics competition I mentioned in the previous newsletter is behind us. An exciting update is that I was invited to be one of the judges. More like “volun-told” since it happened at a booster club meeting when the robotics teacher looked at me and said, “I was planning to contact you since I figured you would volunteer for one of these spots.” I had the choice of referee or judge. I chose judge, since I knew what referees had to do and had no idea what judging would involve.

It turned out to be very cool. Judges review the teams’ engineering notebooks and interview the teams. The focus of the exploration is to learn how the teams employee Design Thinking! It’s about their process from the very beginning, when they learned the rules of the competition and had to start deciding how to build a robot that could be successful. It’s about how they have conversations, how they generate and evaluate possibilities, and how they rule out and rule in options. Did I mention how cool that was?

It was incredibly encouraging to hear so many teenagers talk about analytical processes and explain in detail how they moved as a team from decision to decision. And it was refreshing to hear some of the teams be candidly open about their struggles when things didn’t go well.

What’s Luck Got To Do With It?
These conversations gave me additional insight when talking with my son about his robotics team and their robot. But something fascinating showed up in those conversations. After the tournament at his school and during another tournament the next weekend, he talked less about how they redesigned their robot to meet challenges and more about how luck was on their side. When going up against some of the strong robotics teams, they came away with a win because a robot malfunctioned, fell over, or quick working.

Expectation Aims Your Focus
My son is a pretty hard-core optimist so he expects things to go well most of the time. I, on the other hand, am very adept at seeing the things that can go wrong. Researcher Heidi Grant Halvorson writes about this difference when she references the “promotion mindset” that is looking for the way forward and the “prevention mindset” that is looking to prevent catastrophes.

But Some Expectations Are More Helpful Than Others
My son’s optimism boosts his effort sometimes because he is confident he’s going to get a good outcome. But at other times his optimism inhibits his effort — because he’s confident he’s going to get a good outcome! With detailed, demanding projects he has postponed things until it’s almost too late, certain that he can do it and do it well. And his optimism prevents him from learning quickly whenever this belief is not helpful!

Optimism is a tricky thing. It takes many forms and shows up in different styles. I’m not an expert on optimism so this is more about me sharing my exploration of a topic than offering tips or pointers. Let’s get curious together.

Click here to continue to the article on Optimism Styles.

Innovation Through Design Thinking

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Design Thinking is an approach to innovation that provides a process for creatively bringing in and trying out new ideas. Expanding from the idea of designing a “thing” for people to interact with, it incorporates designing the way the person interacts with the “thing.” The “thing” becomes less important than the change in human behavior the “thing” evokes. The “thing” can even be an experience, such as checking in to a hotel or dining in a restaurant.

In this way, Designing Thinking can be seen as a process for Making Things Right. It is a response to dissatisfaction, allowing the dissatisfaction to be expressed as action for improvement.

Making is the key
A sublime gem of an idea from this approach is that Making Something is the default approach designers intentionally learn to use. When they don’t know, they Make Something. Making requires lots of little decisions, so it forces the designer to wrestle with difficult decisions and make a choice.

There’s not time to make everything perfect. It’s not even possible to make the right decision! There is no way of knowing what the right decision might be without exploring the Something after it is Made.

Making is the way to test things
Making involves other people, so those interactions provide a feedback loop with different perspectives. When the “thing” is made, there is an additional feedback loop that flows from asking yourself and others, “How well is this working?”

Making involves the expanded mind of the embodied brain
Making Something also requires Externalization. The ideas don’t stay confined to the mind. They enter the world. This process of Making Something involves Embodied Cognition. Making prompts new neural pathways to form because it engages the neurological system throughout the body, beyond the realm of imagination up in the newer part of the brain. Because Embodied Cognition activates the fuller nervous system and prompts new neural pathways to form, Making can rewire the brain.

Making is more profound than planning
Making Something is not Planning. They are very different. Planning leads to talking-about. Talking-about leads to talking each other out of bold ideas. This makes the outcome less innovative.

Making is learning
Making is used as a process in order to Understand. The idea in your imagination is manifested in the world to explore it within context, how it interacts with other “things” and how well people can interact with it. Many of these outcomes can only be explored when the “thing” is manifested, or made real, in the world.

Making is improving
The process of Making Something is intentionally iterative – which means it is expected that the “thing” will be created through many versions, each of which is incrementally better than the previous version. An initial version of the Something is Made, then tested, and then made better in another version based on the feedback loop; then tested again with that feedback leading to improvements in the next iteration; and so on.

This creates a pattern: Try – Fail – Improve.

Making embraces Failure as the path of improvement
Notice that “Fail” is an intentional part of a Design process. Notice also that this is more than carefully constructing something after thinking through lots of possible outcomes and then looking for small “tweaks” to make it better. This process involves Making Something to get the ideas outside the mind where they can be explored and understood in ways that cannot happen in the mind alone. It anticipates Failure because it accepts from the beginning that the person cannot know all the elements without Making.

There is no possible way to “get it right” in imagination alone. There is no possible way to test all the possible outcomes in the mind. It must be brought into the world to be tested.

A revolutionary approach to ideation
The “Aha!” experience I had during this presentation was not because all of the ideas were new to me. Many were familiar. I use the concept of the growth mindset with coaching clients to point out that we can improve in skills and qualities with intentional effort. I include this notion and other ideas to encourage an open, explorer’s approach to new things, plus extending grace to yourself knowing you will stumble and fall whenever situations and experiences are new. I use phrases like “fail fast” and “fall forward,” especially when talking about creating or growing a new small business.

The “Aha!” experience for me evolved from the way these concepts are woven together in Design Thinking. The very early start to Making was enlightening — that idea of creating the earliest version when you don’t know much because you can’t really know much yet, since imagination is limited.

Because the material world is sometimes BIGGER than imagination
The acceptance that imagination is limited in its ability to test out its own ideas seems like it can be transformational. This not only means understanding that things and experiences we create will not be perfect. More strongly, it means we create without any concern for it being “perfect” or even “ready” because we know it can never get to the point of excellence, or even “good enough,” until it has gone through many iterations.

It is through Making that we explore and learn about the idea. It is an interconnected part of the process.

Sounds pretty liberating, doesn’t it? Ultimately I think it produces much better outcomes than outlines, lists, and even mind maps. And it’s a lot more fun!

For more information on Design Thinking
The overview I presented here is based on my notes from the presentation given by Kate Canales, Director of the Master of Arts in Design and Innovation (MADI) program at SMU. She was the featured keynote speaker at the October 6th, 2016 Prism Symposium put on by ICF North Texas.

In her presentation Kate specifically referenced Ralph Caplan’s book By Design if you would like to learn more. You can also click here to see Kate’s TEDxSMU presentation on Disruption by Design.

Lead it forward: Find a low-risk or at least managed-risk way to try out this approach. Take the idea you are crafting in your mind and create a manifested version of it in the world so you can see how it interacts with the world and can get feedback from others. Wherever you lead or mentor others, help them see ways to Make Something as part of the process of ideation. Encourage them to embrace the learning that will come from Making a version and gathering the feedback.

May you be well, may you do well, and may you Thrive!

Take Care,

Stephen Coxsey, MA, LPC, PCC
Whole Life Leadership Coach

Newsletter Intro 01-2017

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My younger son, a high school senior, is in an engineering course on robotics. The focus of this class is for the students to work in teams designing and operating a small robot that meets certain specifications for competitions. Part of the experience requirement for the course is to participate in the competitions. Parents are encouraged to come support the teams, so I have recently learned about these robot competitions.

Not quite the Terminator — so far
Disappointingly – to me as well as to some of the students, including my son – the competition does not include explosives, fire, projectiles, or any sort of intentional destruction. There is a basic game field, with two robot teams paired in an alliance on each side of the field. The objective is to place the fairly lightweight foam objects on your side of the playing field across the dividing fence onto the other side.

It goes back and forth until time is called and points are tallied. Put more objects across the fence and further away from the fence and you win the match. Pretty straightforward. There is a 15-second “autonomous” round where the robot moves objects according to an uploaded computer program. The rest of the time a driver uses a remote control similar to those for video games.

How is this a class?
The engineering aspect is in creating a functional device for a particular purpose that is easy for a programmer to interact with and for a driver to interact with. This includes mechanical, electrical (at a simple level), and computer engineering. The students’ approach to learning is to plan, implement, observe, and modify. This is a basic approach to “thinking like an engineer.”

We’re all Engineers, we’re all Designers
What excited me about this opportunity for my son is how similar the process is to Design Thinking. I was introduced to Design Thinking last year through an article and an online video and then had the opportunity to hear a professor of Design and Innovation present live at my local professional coaching association’s annual event spotlighting coaching within organizations.

See how you can apply my summary of that presentation below to your own projects and goals. And please send up a cheer for the teams of 7110, Carroll High School, as they host their own robotics competition on February 4th.

Give a special shout-out to Carroll Dragons Team 7110Z and their robot, Mikey. We will all definitely appreciate the support!

Click here to continue to the article on Design Thinking.

Whole Life Leadership

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The work of Thriving Edge is built on a philosophy called Whole Life Leadership. Whole Life Leadership is an enlightened approach to success that values people and their fulfillment. It honors the whole person across all realms of life and seeks to bring alignment and harmony between personal needs and wishes, family, work, and social involvement. It is a perspective for integrating self leadership in one’s own life, family leadership, and leadership within any team, group, or organization.

Instead of defining success only through external goals like numbers, awards, and achievements, Whole Life Leadership considers internal goals, too. And it does so not in a cynical manner, dangling internal goals like meaning and satisfaction in a manipulative way merely as a reward for reaching external goals.

Whole Life Leadership understands internal goals are the most important to people. It also understands that people often feel nudged or even pressured to accept someone else’s definition of success based on external achievements and rewards. In this philosophy, each person defines success on their own terms based on what they deeply value and on what will give them the opportunity to use their strengths to express and honor those values.

Whole Life Leadership values internal goals and is committed to the belief that people who are experiencing meaningful inner rewards that create fulfillment in their lives will be more successful in achieving external goals they value, for themselves and for any type of team they work with. Notice the relationship. It’s not that achieving external goals will generally create more fulfillment. It’s that knowing how to create meaning and experience fulfillment enhances a person’s ability to achieve success pursuing external goals.

We don’t create meaning and enjoyment chasing external success. We create them by committing to inner success. And that generates the motivation, creativity, agility, and resilience to accomplish challenging external goals.

Implicit in this model of Whole Life Leadership is the view of each person as a leader throughout life, from young childhood through the elderly years, as well as across life in various roles and settings. Leadership is approached through a developmental lens, acknowledging that strengths, skills, and other abilities related to leadership are relevant at all ages and can be nurtured over time. This developmental lens also acknowledges that wisdom and character, key qualities of high-performing leaders, are being cultivated throughout life.

Understanding this provides parents with a framework for considering the development of their children’s wisdom and character as they design their family culture and intentionally build engaged, supportive relationships with their children that promote autonomy. The same approach applies to schools and organizations that work with children and adolescents, pointing to ways to promote a culture that encourages the development of wisdom and character through engaged, mentorship-based relationships.

Whole Life Leadership expands the view of who is a leader and what leadership entails. In this philosophy, the “leader without followers” is in the same general role as the head of an enormous organization. The “leader without followers” category includes a person starting a small part-time business on their own, the artist creating or performing artistic works, and the graduate student in charge of a challenging project such as a masters thesis or doctoral dissertation. It also includes a person’s relationship to their own career, since they are responsible for guiding it to reach their desired goals.

If you’re wondering how a person directing their own project or guiding the direction of their own life fits in the same category of Whole Life Leader as a person responsible for leading a huge organization, it’s because of the overlap of many of the categories of what leadership entails. Leadership includes many functions, and not all of them will be required or expressed in everyone leadership role. In this philosophy of leadership, there are multiple qualities and abilities we can develop to become more effective and engaged leaders. I call them Leadership Agilities. What follows won’t be a comprehensive review of these agilities, but a good overview to make the concept clear.

In enlightened models of organizational leadership, there is a lot of focus on the role of leader as helping put the right people in the right roles and then supporting those people as they find the way to do their best work. There is a related concept of facilitating the development of cohesive, high-functioning teams. And there is the understanding that a leader can most deeply affect engagement, performance, and outcome by promoting a culture within the organization that values certain qualities and brings people together. There are Leadership Agilities related to leading in this way.

In some leadership roles it is expected that the leader will be a high performer in the area they lead. In others it’s not required. A high level of ability and expertise in the work being led is a Leadership Agility that is not necessary in all leadership roles. A Chief Medical Officer is expected to be a respected and capable physician. The CEO of a healthcare organization may not need that expertise. The Chief Financial Officer needs to be a high performer in terms of understanding accounting, finance, and the flow of money, but can do so in a company that produces products where they have no expertise.

Even the Chief Executive Officer may not be a high performer in the kind of work the company does. When Alan Mulally took the helm at Ford Motor Company, he had a background leading a manufacturing business but in a different industry, aerospace. He was not the role model for designing or manufacturing automobiles and could not provide his employees with specific tips. However, as a highly performing leader, he knew how to guide them to connect with resources and come up with solutions in ways they hadn’t been able to do on their own.

The key quality of leadership is the ability to develop a vision of how something can be created or improved and then design the path to bring that vision to life. Whether the leader is the no-followers type who is doing all or most of the work, doing part of the work with a supportive team, or the head of a huge organization where others are doing the primary work of the business, the leader needs to have a clear vision of the better future the work is creating.

And the leader needs to understand what it takes to create that future and be able to guide the work to completion. A Whole Life Leader does this with great consideration and respect for the other people involved and even the resources being used, because their expanded vision helps them see the impact of the work on the future well-being of the people doing the work — including themselves. Developing and holding a clear and compelling vision to guide work with respect for all the people involved is a fundamental Leadership Agility.

Another Leadership Agility is being able to communicate that vision to others in a way that inspires them to ally with the vision and commit to working to make it real. For the leader of an organization, these skills require communicating to a variety of people in a variety of roles, so they can be more demanding and require more evolved communication skills. But even for the small business owner or personal project leader, it is necessary to be able to communicate the vision to people who are in support roles. Any time the work of other people is required to bring the leader’s vision to life, sharing the vision in a compelling way is essential.

Whole Life Leaders design work that is not harsh or overly demanding or draining. Their vision for a better future has plenty of room for a vision of a healthy, engaged, and holistically well current situation for people doing the work to create that future. Their leadership is in service of their vision, and their vision is in service of the betterment of the world, including the betterment of those they lead, so it shows great respect for their wellbeing across all areas of their lives.

This is just a taste of the spectrum of Leadership Agilities presented in an overview of the philosophy of Whole Life Leadership. There’s plenty more to come! You’ll find Leadership Agilities and Whole Life Leadership integrated into this blog, into Thriving Edge News, and into the workbooks and programs I create.

What If You’re Doing Stress All Wrong?

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You’ve heard the recommendations about managing stress for years. They say too much stress can be bad for you. You’ve even heard it can lead to a heart attack or a stroke. You hear someone say “Stress can kill you” and you nod your head because you’ve heard that’s true.

But you’re not sure you believe it, not completely. The way you see it, stress is what motivates the high achiever. Stress is part of the challenge you take on to get the big prize. A necessary evil.

Maybe you try some suggestions about reducing your stress. You:

Plan some time to decompress every so often after work, to kick back and relax for a while. But who’s got time for that? Slow down and you’ll fall behind! Besides, isn’t dinner and drinks with friends – okay, a business dinner – enough relaxation?
Plan to take a break for a few minutes in your day and get some physical activity, deep breathing, time with nature, or whatever. But who can really get deep breaths and relax when the proposal has to be done by close of business? And how can you enjoy taking a walk in a park to appreciate nature when you have 5 calls to return?
Try a brand-new time management system to schedule everything, I mean everything, not just the important stuff, because that way you can keep it all contained. But what urgent situation schedules itself on your calendar before erupting? How many people are going to check your Google calendar before calling you about a big problem?

So you keep doing what you’ve been doing, hoping that watching sports on the weekend is kind of like de-stressing (pretty risky if you’re a Cowboys fan) or getting together for drinks will help you relax. Sadly, while excitement is fun, it doesn’t help with stress. And alcohol is just a chemical pause for stress, not a solution.

Fortunately, there are a couple of important new pieces to the stress puzzle that can completely change how you prepare for and respond to stress. Health Psychologist Kelly McGonigal, PhD, summarized them in her 2013 TED Talk.

McGonigal for years warned people of the research-proven health risks of too much stress. And they can be pretty bad. Heart disease, risk of heart attack, risk of stroke, plus other chronic illnesses. What the new research showed, and what made McGonigal feel guilty, is that those health risks only exist for people who believe stress will harm them.

People who don’t believe stress is physically harmful don’t have increased health risks from stress. Your mindset, how you understand things and what you expect, makes all the difference in the world.

Some of the people in a study were prompted with a new belief about stress. They were told:

Your faster heart rate is preparing you for action.
Your faster breathing gets oxygen to your brain.
You are getting ready for what’s coming your way.

People who were taught this belief were less stressed out, less anxious, and more confident during the study and showed no negative health impact from stress down the road. Their physical response to stress changed. A typical stress response is that your heart rate goes up and your vessels constrict. For these people, heart rate increased but vessels stayed open. It was the same physical response as people who experience joy or courage.

It gets better. There’s a hormone in your body called oxytocin. It has a big role in bonding, establishing emotional connections. Turns out it also plays an important role in stress. Oxytocin protects your cardiovascular system from stress. It’s anti-inflammatory, helping blood vessels stay relaxed.

Your heart has receptors for oxytocin. When you reach out you release oxytocin. It strengthens your heart. It helps heart cells regenerate and heal from any stress-induced damage. Your stress response becomes healthier and you recover from stress more quickly.

That means our stress response has a built-in mechanism for stress resilience, and that mechanism is human connection. Oxytocin motivates you to seek support and to connect, and when you do additional oxytocin protects you from stress.

The harmful effects of stress on health are not inevitable. When you choose to view the stress response as helpful, you create the biology of courage. When you choose to connect with others under stress, you create resilience.

Intrigued? Click here to see the TED Talk.

This post appeared in the Grapevine Chamber of Commerce Blog as part of the Experts Series.

7 Simple Ways to Make a Positive Difference for People

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“I’ve learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.” ~ Maya Angelou

This is a powerful truth. To make a positive difference that people will remember, you have to leave them with a good feeling. Genuinely good feelings come from connection, and you can’t “fake” connection. We evaluate other people’s sincerity in a sliver of a second.

The suggestions below won’t work if you’re sizing up someone as a potential competitor or potential client. You have to really value the person. Our bull detectors are immediate and they’re highly accurate, especially when someone is closely adhering to a sales script instead of being a real person.

1. Smile Genuinely

Research shows we read smiles subconsciously and respond very differently to fake smiles and genuine smiles. A genuine smile goes all the way up to your eyes. To smile genuinely you have to feel it. Make warm, friendly eye contact with the person and feel the respect and regard you have for another human being. Your smile will reach your eyes and that will shift the other person’s mood right away.

2. Ask People “What Lights You Up?”

When you meet a person, don’t ask “What do you do?” at first. Ask “What lights you up?” or “What’s something you’ve done recently that you’re proud of?” This gives the person the option of talking abut any area of their life, and that opens them up. They’ll remember being heard as a complete person, not just a job description.

3. Notice People’s Strengths and Values

This will take some practice, but it leaves people feeling genuinely heard, and they’ll remember that. Knowing that someone “gets it” when we’re talking is powerful. Noticing a value sounds like “I can tell you make family time a priority.” Noticing a strength sounds like “You’re really good at organizing all the pieces and keeping things going.”

4. Praise Them Publicly

Planning to tell someone they did a good job? Ramp it up by bragging on them to other people while they’re listening. This is especially meaningful when you’re bragging to someone who evaluates them, whether a supervisor or a client – or a family member!

5. Acknowledge Their Challenges and Just Listen

When someone is struggling or when they’re down, sometimes they just need to be heard. No advice, no attempts to make it better, no joking around; just listening. “That sounds really difficult” or “You must be really worried” will show that you understand. Don’t try to fix it. Just be with them and hear them.

6. Remind Them What They’re Capable of Doing

When someone is facing a really tough challenge, especially over time, they can get focused on all the problems and lose perspective. Point them to a time they rose to a challenge and remind them what they can accomplish. “I hear the transition to the new system is kicking everyone’s tail and you’re taking the brunt of it. But I remember when you set up a branch office on your own with only two part-time temps to help out and nobody could believe how fast you got it done.”

7. Notice An “Invisible” Person

There are many people we come across who think of themselves as being in a low station of life. Sometimes it’s because of their role, such as a physical laborer or cleaning crew member. Sometimes it’s because of race, religion, ethnicity, or any label that separates people. You can greet that person with a genuine smile and warm, friendly eye contact. If the person is serving you, thank them and feel your gratitude as you smile. You can make their day.

It’s hard to do these things consistently. But the great thing about this is when you tune in to being genuinely interested in other people, it shows up in all areas of your life. Your family relationships will be strengthened, your friendships will be more enjoyable, and your social time will be a lot more engaging.

You’ll be making a huge positive difference in your own life while you’re spreading goodness around for other people. That’s wins for everyone. And business? Business is relationships, so you can imagine how that will go.

This post originally appeared in the Grapevine Chamber of Commerce Blog as part of the Experts Series.

A Leadership Approach to Conflict Management

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When you are drawn into a conflict, whether you are in charge of the situation or not, you can step into a leadership role. Leaders promote the best outcome for everyone involved based on guiding principles. Use these 7 steps to work toward the best collaborative outcome.

1. Commit to finding common ground

For this to be effective, you have to commit – truly commit. Don’t just pay lip service to try to appease someone. People in conflict are focused on clues the other person is challenging them or manipulating them. They can tell if you aren’t sincere, and that will make things worse.

2. Listen for understanding

One of Stephen Covey’s 7 Habits of Highly Effective People is, “Seek first to understand, and then to be understood.” This is an ideal time to honor this standard. In conflict, people want to defend their own position. Someone has to bridge the two or more sides to create agreement. You build the bridge by listening for understanding. Don’t criticize or challenge what the person is saying. Listen to hear that person’s point of view. Ask questions that help you really hear the details of what they are saying, whether you agree or not.

3. Summarize what you have heard

You don’t have to agree with the person to understand their position. But you have to understand what’s important to them. State back to them the summary of what they have explained to you. When possible, include their values, priorities, needs, and expectations that lead them to take their stand. Avoid language or even a tone of voice that mocks, diminishes, or devalues their point of view. Just state their position, as you understand it, in a neutral way.

4. Expand the conversation to include other points of view

Now that you have shown respect for the other person and heard their point of view, you can add to their understanding. State your agreement with whatever part of their position you can. Then add the considerations from other people they haven’t included, including your own. Use a phrase like, “There’s more to consider,” or, “Other people are affected,” or, “I’d like you to consider how this affects me.” Do not argue away their position. Do not advocate for your position or another person’s position. Just objectively state what else is at stake besides what they want.

5. Ask for suggestions to address the expanded situation

You may have a compromise in mind already, or you may see there aren’t many options. It’s not yet time to state that. Invite the other person or people to come up with their suggestions for a path forward that considers the expanded situation with all points of view. Ask a question like, “What can we do that will respect what you’re trying to do and still respect Jan’s position?” If possible, encourage them to come up with more than one suggestion.

6. Evaluate and define what outcomes are possible

Once you have created the list of suggestions for how to proceed, review them. Evaluate and state the likely outcome for each clearly. Tell them what you can do that is on the list, what you would like to do but cannot, and what you cannot or will not do based on rules or values. Don’t say something cannot be done just because you don’t prefer it. Stay neutral for now. Do give your evaluation of how each possible outcome is likely to affect the people involved.

7. Seek agreement on a path forward

Now everyone involved has a clear understanding of what each persons wants to happen. You have a clear understanding of what is possible and can rule out what is not allowed. You have a clear understanding of the cost and impact of the different options on each person. It is much easier to get agreement from people when everyone considers all sides.

Ask what seems best for everyone, considering all factors. Then offer your opinions and preferences. Discuss and negotiate around the details where necessary. If there is agreement and everyone can commit, you have a collaborative solution.

If there is not agreement, the person in charge has to choose the path that balances the needs and preferences of everyone involved. It’s a less desirable outcome, but by incorporating all points of view it usually produces more acceptance and less tension than a solution imposed without discussion.

This post originally appeared in the Grapevine Chamber of Commerce Blog as part of the Experts Series.

Take Charge of Your Schedule in 7 Steps

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Your schedule is a mess. It’s demanding, it’s packed, and it pushes you around. How do I know? Because the number one challenge clients bring to coaching, whether executives, business owners, busy professionals, or hard-working parents, is time management.

We can’t really manage time. We can only manage to make the most of the time we have. This means being intentional about what we put on our calendars and to-do lists. Here are 7 steps you can take to show your schedule who’s in charge.

Step 1: Learn Stephen Covey’s Time Matrix™ Model

One of the most widely taught tools for de-cluttering your schedule is Stephen Covey’s four quadrant model, now called the Time Matrix™ by Franklin Covey. This model divides tasks into Urgent and Not Urgent and Important and Not Important.

Step 2: Define Urgent and Important for You

When we have hectic schedules, there are a lot of competing demands. Other people regularly tell us what they think is Important and Urgent. Using the Time Matrix™ requires deciding what really is Important and Urgent to us.

Ask yourself “What really matters to me?” to define the values you want to honor. Ask “Who matters most?” and make other people’s priorities yours only if the people are your priorities.

Urgent is decided by questions like “What happens if this doesn’t get done?” and “Who does it happen to?” If missing a deadline isn’t significant, it’s not urgent. If the outcome is bad for someone else but not for you, it may not be your responsibility.

Step 3: Sort Your To-Do’s

Look at each item on your calendar for the week. Using your definitions of Urgent and Important, put each item into one of the four quadrants. Resist the urge to make someone else’s Urgent or Important your problem.

Your family’s priorities can be your priorities. Your clients’ or employer’s priorities may be, too. Just be clear they really matter to you.

Step 4: De-clutter, Discard, and Delegate

When something is Not Important and Not Urgent, you can ignore it. Take it off the list.

Not Important but Urgent usually means someone is trying to make their responsibility your priority. Hand it right back to them or delegate it. Empower others to take care of things. You’ll be glad you did.

Important but Not Urgent, like family movie night, has long-term meaning but risks getting set aside. Spend focused time occasionally tending these items to move them forward.

Step 5: Prioritize What Remains

Now it becomes clear the quadrant that needs your attention most is Important and Urgent. But what happens when you have a whole lot of Important and Urgent things to do? It’s time to dig deeper into Important and Urgent.

Return to the items in your Important and Urgent quadrant. Consider the purpose or value each represents and how it benefits you and the people important to you. Rate each on a scale of 1-10. Are there ties? Try 1-100.

Then rate the urgency of each item. Ask how soon it’s due and how severe the consequence is of missing the deadline or rescheduling. Keep the scales consistent: 1-10 or 1-100 for both. Then multiply those two numbers together. Rank-order your Important and Urgent things. If two numbers are close you can decide which item has priority.

Step 6: Plan Buffers

Even with a de-cluttered schedule, things won’t be rosy all the time. Some things take longer than expected. Unexpected demands hijack your schedule. Anticipate this and plan blocks of time that are buffers.

If a report takes two hours to complete, block out two and a half. After back-to-back meetings block fifteen minutes to catch up. If you schedule lots of short appointments, block one slot off every hour or two. Trust me. It won’t be wasted. If things go smoothly and that time is open, you’ll find plenty to do.

Step 7: Keep Your Mind Sharp

Whenever you’re organizing your schedule or handling disruptions in your day, you need your mind to be strong and efficient. This means taking good care of your most important tool: your brain.

Boost your brain power by getting good sleep, enjoying regularly activity, spending time in nature, and eating well to maintain healthy blood sugar levels. Plan your most challenging thinking, including tough decisions, complex planning, and difficult conversations, when you’re well-rested and well-fed so your brain is in peak condition. Establish healthy routines and habits so you don’t have to make decisions when you’re tired, hungry, and frustrated. Click here for more tips on keeping your brain fit for duty.

This post originally appeared in the Grapevine Chamber of Commerce Blog as part of the Experts Series.