I’ve been blogging weekly since I started “Chasing Wisdom” a few months back. This is my first time to miss my weekly deadline, but it was planned. I will be out of town over the 4th of July week so I decided to put this post in the middle of a 3-week span and another at the end when I get back.

The Independence Day theme is transformative for aspiring entrepreneurs and self-bossers. Our nation was founded on the basis of personal liberty of thought and expression, ending formalized categories of class, and market freedom through capitalism. Until the late 19th to early 20th century, nearly every person in the United States was self-employed or a small business owner. That included farmers, craftsmen, and small-scale merchants.

When I hear talks about employees transitioning to self-employment and business ownership, the reasons I hear resonate with all the great lessons I learned as a child about the ideals and values of this country: freedom of expression, the liberty to choose our own paths and design our futures, freedom to participate in the economy and take responsibility for our own income and wealth, and the freedom to learn and try new things unbound by class.

Some of you may be surprised that these were some of the lessons I learned about my country, since there are so many negative messages about the history of the nation and a focus on mistakes and flaws taught in public school today. I went to school in rural Oklahoma and suburban Texas, so that might explain why I learned the good stuff. I also learned about the flaws, especially the fact that it’s taken centuries to get closer to allowing all the freedoms of the United States to all citizens of any race, color, or creed. I learned about the wars against Native Americans and a string of broken promises. But I believed these were flaws of people, not flaws of the design. The values and principles of American liberty transform people and transform society over time, generally expanding freedom in spite of the ups and downs at particular points in history.

Independence was initially won to have freedom from a social class system and a closed economic system where most people were at the mercy of the nobility and a few wealthy merchants. Today the typical message about work is, “Get a good job at a big company and work your way up.” That message says put yourself at the mercy of a new nobility, corporations, who are also the wealthiest of the merchants. We’re running from the freedoms gained.

The message of self-employment, self-bossing, small business, and multiple income streams flies in the face of that message. It says, “Reclaim your independence! Take the liberty that is within your grasp! Exercise your freedom!”

What a way to celebrate and honor the spirit of independence in America.

May You Know the Joy of Sharing Your Gifts,

Steve Coxsey

Barbara Sher is one of my favorite virtual mentors. I got an e-mail notice the other day that she was doing some more teleseminars on “Resistance.” She’s been doing a few on that topic on a voluntary basis. The money paid benefits either her Kilim Women Project or the Coming Home Animal Sanctuary. Me, I’ve got resistance! And I like helping a good cause, so I signed up for this past Thursday’s call.

One of the participants must have been calling from The Twilight Zone. Barbara said at one point it was the noisiest teleseminar she’d ever been on. We had crying babies and screaming kids, off and on. We had a rhythmic grating like someone washing dishes, or sanding something, or sharpening a tool (Yikes!). We had people coughing or clearing their throat LOUDLY into the phone. We even heard “You’ve got mail” from someone’s computer.

Three people had volunteered to work with Barbara on the call. The volunteer would present the situation related to changing work or moving towards a new career or advancing their business, and Barbara would help them see the next steps and figure out what was keeping them from moving forward. It was a lot like coaching. Each participant got some great ideas. But none of them was struggling with the specific kind of resistance Barbara teaches about. When you resist making sales call because it’s not your personality, that’s understandable. When you resist balancing your checkbook because it’s taxing and boring, that’s normal. When you love to paint and you finally have time and a studio set up, but you wind up dusting the bookshelves instead of painting—that’s resistance. And, as a person who’s tried dusting bookshelves, I can say it’s just not normal, either!

After the call Barbara invited us to her public discussion groups at her web site. It was interesting that many people who have read her books and understand her concepts could list all the tips and ideas and techniques she had suggested during the discussion. Others, newer to the ideas or with minds organized in a different way, hadn’t caught on to all that was shared and were amazed when they realized all that was covered in the call. Even though none of the participants was actually talking about the kind of resistance that involves avoiding what you really want to be doing, she taught a lot of techniques for overcoming obstacles. She did her part and did it really well, but with all the interruptions and distractions and confused expectations, I’m sure it was a challenging experience.

There was a teleseminar a couple of weeks back that I heard as a member of Fast Track Your Dream, a career change support community. There was a glitch with recording the call so some of us had a “re-enactment” call to share our notes and memories of the examples and recommendations. Fast Track creator Valerie Young came up with a couple of extra recordings for us to download, so we wound up with much more information than recording the call alone would have given us. But, boy, was she in a tough spot trying to find ways to provide that information after the recording process fell apart.

It’s gotten me to think that there can be high drama in offering teleseminars. I had thought I could learn the simple technical aspects, put together some interesting content, and have a low-risk way to offer information for a fee. Before these calls, my biggest worry was remembering to be on my own teleseminar. I’ve already missed one I signed up for because I forgot what day it was on. Fortunately, there was a nice recording waiting for me to download to my iPod afterwards. I’ve already heard that call and can listen to it again. But if I forgot to call in for my own teleseminar, I don’t think I’d be as excited to listen to what people recorded for me to hear afterwards!

May You Know the Joy of Sharing Your Gifts,

Steve Coxsey

I started this blog in January when Barbara Sher challenged her e-mail list to start taking steps towards career change, make a public declaration, and keep people updated by using a blog. She helps people at all stages of career change, trying to find what it is you want to do, learning how to make a career out of a passion, getting training, education, or work experience to help decide, and figuring out the steps to leave a stable job slowly without causing financial crisis.

I had already decided my trial year of therapy with foster kids wasn’t for me and I was wrapping up that practice. I knew I wanted to do positive counseling and thought coaching sounded pretty much like that to me. I knew I wanted to work with people in life transitions, especially looking for enjoyable and meaningful work, and with people who want to improve their skills working with children, including parents and teachers and caregivers.

So now I’m starting my sixth month of actively changing to a new career. Seems like I should be pretty much done by now but I’m not there yet.

I signed up for the coaching training through MentorCoach and have enjoyed discovering that, so far, coaching IS mostly positive counseling with a few important differences. I set up 2 practice clients early on, but am only able to work regularly with one because of schedule complications and other inconsistencies in my practice client’s life. Hey, maybe if we had worked together more than once I could have helped him overcome those obstacles!

I’ve been volunteering time working as a consultant with a minister of a smaller church who sees growth but wants to keep his church moving forward. We have focused on building stronger relationships among the congregants and how to develop community groups they will attend and enjoy. I developed a survey which we sent out and we’ve gotten 20-something responses so far. Consultation has involved offering information, brainstorming, and surveying others for their input, and I’ve learned I like doing those things to balance out the one-sided nature of coaching.

I learned, thanks to self-discovery exercises from Barbara Sher and from Valerie Young, that I enjoy community, the feeling of connection and belonging among people in groups. I love mentorship, which I define as a dynamic relationship with a person or group of people for the purpose of guiding the process of personal growth and development through self-discovery and shared knowledge, wisdom, and experience. I get jazzed by the idea of helping people develop mentorship skills to build connection and belonging in different kinds of groups and to bring unconnected and lonely people into thriving communities.

I know how to use QuickBooks. I’m ready to start getting paid and tracking those accounts—almost. I have a PayPal account but I don’t know how to process a credit card payment yet. I’m eager to get to the point where I need to learn.

I realized from the guidance and comments of coaches and others learning about coaching that I need to focus initial marketing on my community instead of a broad internet audience. I was stuck for a while wondering how I could come up with enough interesting material to be able to put out a monthly newsletter that would get people to sign up. And I was stuck wondering how to convert the newsletter list to a few paying clients. Now I see that’s a little bit down the road and my first focus should be on introducing myself to people in my community who might need coaching services or know people who do. Most importantly, I realized that speaking in front of groups is probably a good way to get a few initial referrals, and that although I complain that I don’t want to speak to groups I actually feel comfortable doing it. It’s the preparation where I’m worrying about what to say that’s the hard part.

This twisty road is still twisty, but I have many more suggestions about places to visit in my journey. I can’t head straight for any of them because I’m not sure of the route, but eventually I get there, and I find many more interesting places along the way.

May You Know the Joy of Sharing Your Gifts,

Steve Coxsey

I’m pretty sure it’s considered “common knowledge” that involving children in team activities is a good thing. It’s supposed to help them prepare for adult life where they have to get along with groups of people and work as teams.

In the idealized version, kids will have the chance to learn how to deal with different kinds of people and their personalities. They will have an adult outside their families (usually) who helps train them and guide them, being a role model and mentor (remember this is the idealized version). They will learn to count on other people some of the time, and they will learn other people are counting on them. If they don’t do their part, the whole team or group will struggle. They will learn the value of being part of something greater than themselves.

All that CAN happen, but it’s pretty rare. Fortunately, even with a pretty pathetic experience as part of a group or team, our kids learn a lot about dealing with other people. They can get some of the idealized lessons on struggling teams, and they can get some of the harsher lessons on high performing teams.

As you read my list of other lessons, be forewarned this is not a feel-good entry. Some of these lessons are a little harsh. I’m not all smiles and hugs. That’s not my nature. I’m a skeptic and a cynic and a pragmatist about human interactions, good and bad.

⇔ When push comes to shove, when it’s their own child who is struggling, parents will give up the idealized values of learning to perform for a team and being accountable for doing your part. They will see high expectations as threatening to the self-esteem and emotional comfort of their own children, although they are widely proven to produce higher performance.

⇔ Most people value excuses over valid feedback. They hear a specific critique of a choice they made or the quality of their performance as personal criticism. Teammates who think they might also be critiqued in the same way are likely to defend a person receiving critique and find fault in the coach or team leader for offering the critique. Friends and parents of the person receiving the critique are likely to find fault in the person offering the critique, thinking they are protecting the player’s feelings.

⇔ Most people scapegoat one or a few people to avoid seeing personal responsibility. When there’s a breakaway play caused by poor strategy or sloppy team performance, the guy left alone trying to stop the score often gets the blame. With presentations, the speaker can get the blame when things don’t go well, even though it was poor visuals or a lack of good information due to other team members’ incompetence.

⇔ Most people oversimplify success and celebrate the one who scores. In team sports it’s very hard for one person to make a scoring play happen without relying on the work of teammates. The person who reads the field or the court best may move in a way to open up lanes for other players, or might get the ball to the scoring player after lots of effort. The one who scores usually gets the cheers.

⇔ It’s human nature to find strong players and focus on them instead of developing the entire team. It’s hard work to see the abilities and potential of someone who is new to a job or a sport, and it’s even harder to walk them step-by-step to becoming a good player. It’s easy to get comfortable and keep using what works.

⇔ Teams that rely on strong players without developing the others can’t keep performing long-term. Relying on a few strong players can win a lot of games, but big games and championships drain the players. The team with more well-prepared and talented players is much more likely to survive the energy drain by spreading around the hard work.

⇔ Adults that can teach our children valuable skills aren’t all role models or mentors. Usually people who teach a sport or hobby or skill are passionate first about the activity. If they are teaching, they might also enjoy working with people and seeing them learn and grow. But a lot of them just enjoy finding other people who share their interest in the activity and don’t concern themselves with the whole person. That’s okay. Our kids get to learn the difference between finding someone who is great at helping them learn a skill and intentionally choosing someone to be a mentor or role model.

⇔ Most leaders (including coaches) have very specific qualities and abilities they look for, so their evaluations of the same person can be very different. The lesson of receiving critique is very important. Critique should not be shunned because it’s harsh. It shouldn’t be completely embraced because it comes from someone with expertise. It should be thoughtfully and honestly considered and compared to what other people of similar expertise have to say. A player who is valued for his speed by two coaches and criticized for being too slow by the new coach has probably not really lost his speed. The new coach may not be specific enough describing what he wants to see, or he may just be seeing a narrow window and not the big picture.

⇔ Most leaders have one or a few team members they target for criticism, out of proportion to the way they respond to the rest of their team. This is mostly hard on the targeted players. Sometimes it leads to the whole team scapegoating the criticized players. That is most likely when the coach or leader is unfairly biased against the players and doesn’t see a balanced picture of their performance. Sometimes a coach is particularly harsh on a player because he sees enormous potential and is pushing hard, or because he thinks other people in the player’s life are soft on him and he’s held back by low expectations. The leader is trying to compensate for this in order to help the player long-term. This targeted player isn’t likely to be a team scapegoat. But he is likely to get frustrated and discouraged if he doesn’t talk to the leader and learn about the leader’s strong commitment and high expectations.

⇔ Most leaders have one or a few team members they favor and whose flaws they struggle to see. This is hard for the team members who aren’t favored, but it’s actually dangerous for the ones who ARE favored. A leader who provides predictably consistent feedback to a group but seems to give a pass to a couple of people causes resentment and hard feelings against the favored players and himself. That can undermine team spirit if the members don’t recognize this normal human shortcoming. The favored players won’t be getting much useful feedback and the expectations will be lower, so their performance will slip over time. They won’t be ready to do well on a different team. They won’t be ready to stand on their own.

⇔ One person can lift an entire group’s performance through personal effort, commitment and determination (I’m not ALL cynical). I don’t know if this is a gift everyone can cultivate or if it’s something only a few people can do. Motivation is a huge determining factor in sports, and it carries over to team performance in other areas. When one player suddenly starts playing with a burst of energy, shows a lot of focus and effort, and encourages teammates to improve their performance, a shift can occur. Suddenly execution is quicker and crisper and confidence is evident. A team can start to dominate and look unbeatable playing with intensity that starts from one player’s burst of enthusiasm.

May You Know the Joy of Sharing Your Gifts,

Steve Coxsey

I was listening to a report on the radio a few days ago and the commentator, trying to explain some trend among college students, referred to their “age appropriate” sense of invincibility and difficulty delaying gratification. Now it’s true in general that adolescents don’t judge risk well and think they’re more capable than they really are, and it’s true in general that delaying gratification is a sign of developing maturity. But it struck me as odd that a journalist would expect young adults well past physical adolescence to act like children.

This is a trend that is growing and spreading, destroying reason in its path. Decades ago adults were likely to expect young children to exhibit more consideration and self-control than we now know their brains and bodies are capable of showing. They expected polite manners in restaurants and children only speaking to adults when addressed by them. High school juniors and seniors were treated as young adults about to be working and caring for themselves.

Today people bring their toddlers to adult movies and keep them in the theater, even when they’re screaming and shrieking. They don’t get up and leave the theater, respecting the rights of the dozens of other people who bought tickets. They move to the end of the aisle or maybe a little closer to the door, but they stay in the theater watching the movie. Tantrums are “age appropriate” so somehow that means all of society is supposed to endure them.

What happened to reason? It is age appropriate for a two-year-old to throw a fit to get his way sometimes, or just to do it because he’s frustrated or overwhelmed. But that doesn’t mean parents shouldn’t remove the child form a situation he is disrupting, or that they should tolerate being hit and screamed at.

Parents let their young kids run wild in restaurants, at church, and at school activities. They climb on things that aren’t for climbing and chase each other around, bumping into people and sometimes causing big messes. Restlessness and recklessness are “age appropriate” so parents don’t try to prevent the collisions and messes. They don’t step in until things fall apart, but only if they notice.

Wanting to be wild and silly is age appropriate for young children, but that doesn’t mean it’s always the time and place for it. Remember indoor voices and outdoor voices? Remember indoor games and outdoor games? Our parents understood the distinction and the reason. What’s happened to parents?

Wanting to spend every waking moment with friends is considered “age appropriate” for children starting at some age, which seems to drop lower each year, and now seems to be hovering around nine or ten. It’s true that social belonging is a genuine developmental need, which peaks in late adolescence and early adulthood. It’s connected to belonging to groups and establishing an identity, and to finding a romantic partner. However, it’s absolutely NOT age appropriate, healthy, or necessary for children and young teens.

It’s age appropriate for kids to develop interests outside their family, increasingly as they grow older. But it’s not age appropriate for them to despise or shun their parents—EVER! That’s a recent phenomenon in American culture and to a lesser degree in other Western countries. But it’s uncommon in most cultures today and was uncommon in our culture decades ago.

Our children’s security and stability, long-term identity, and deepest support come from family, especially dedicated parents. Replacing that with the whimsical acceptance and demands of peers who are children themselves robs our kids’ lives of that centered, grounded certainty they need to get through difficult challenges.

Wanting to experiment with alcohol is considered “age appropriate” for teenagers, so regardless of what the law says some parents expect and tolerate a certain amount of underage drinking. Some even provide the alcohol for their teens as long as they stay home while drinking! Some parents believe the way to respond to adolescents’ developing sexuality is to talk about “safe sex” and make sure condoms are available. Since the desires and feelings are “age appropriate,” they assume the behavior is, too.

It’s age appropriate for three-year-olds to want to eat all the ice cream in the carton. But that doesn’t mean we should let them. They want many things that aren’t healthy or good for them, like avoiding naps and refusing to go to bed when they’re tired at night. Kids at all ages will want things that aren’t good for them. Those wants and drives may be “age appropriate,” but acting on them is not.

Rude and insolent behavior in children and teens is tolerated because the pop culture says, “They’re just going through a stage,” or, “You know, it’s that age.” Understanding the feelings, the wants, and the drives of our children gets conflated with tolerating their offensive behavior.

Part of the problem, I am convinced, is a culture that idolizes adolescence. We rush to move our children into an adolescent world at younger and younger ages. Then we prolong adolescence, letting them live at home rent-free well into their twenties with no clear goals.

Another part, possibly the biggest, is our fear of saying “no.” I think many parents believe they have to allow all expressions of feelings in order to respect their children’s feelings. They don’t see the elegance of saying, “I see how very angry you are, but I’m not for hitting. Use your words.” They don’t understand how respectful and empowering it is to say to a child, “This isn’t a place for screaming. You can use a quiet voice and stay here, or you can go outside if you need to scream.”

I slip into despair sometimes watching parents struggle with their children and hearing their comments about how overwhelming it is to raise them. But I try to focus on hope, which comes from remembering parents who learned a little information and a couple of new techniques and completely changed their relationships with their children.

I want to bring that hope to people. I want to help them understand their children and their role in their children’s lives. I want to empower them to raise their children to become amazing and competent people. But I stumble over my frustration at the lack of effort and commitment I see and the growing tolerance of rude and offensive behavior. I’m too young to be so cynical. It’s not age appropriate!

May You Know the Joy of Sharing Your Gifts,

Steve Coxsey

I did a little market research on professional coaches offering services to parents and wound up overwhelmed. I know it’s typical to have some strong reactions to learning about the field you’re considering when planning for self-employment or business ownership. It involves a lot of change and a lot of risk so emotions get stirred up. But even though I knew that as an abstract idea, I was surprised by the details of my real experience.

I Googled and Yahoo’ed parenting and coaching and found a few sites. Only one site I reviewed listed a fee for coaching. It was in line with the format and fees of general life coaching I’ve heard about, but the rest wouldn’t state a fee—and I was anxious and annoyed! I’m inclined to put fees out there, so I wondered if that will somehow put me at a disadvantage. Do these other coaches have good reasons not to list fees? Is it better marketing to wait and cover them in a sales pitch? Are they ashamed or uncomfortable stating fees, or do they know about some strong research indicating it’s more effective to cover fees in person? I was stressing!

But that wasn’t the end of my anxiety. The coaches have different backgrounds. Some have bachelor’s degrees in a social science area (not psychology or human development). Some were teachers for years and use that as their experience base. Some have master’s degrees, but not in psychology or counseling or human development or education.

That should encourage me, right? I would think so! I have a master’s degree in psychology, specialty focus on child psychology and consulting in schools. I co-owned a preschool and child care center for 10 years, worked in residential treatment, worked in schools, and had a private psychotherapy practice. So why did the backgrounds of the other coaches get to me? Because maybe parents aren’t comfortable talking to someone with a mental health and therapy background about how to improve their relationships with their children and their overall parenting style—that’s why.

Then the big problem showed up. A recurring theme on the parent coaching web sites is, “We don’t tell you how to be a parent” or “We don’t have the answers” or “We don’t teach you a system—we help you develop your own system based on your values.” They state that because professional coaching is rapidly becoming helping people discover their own answers instead of training and teaching them.

My anxiety was buzzing full-speed now. It makes sense to avoid telling parents there is a single program with some number of steps and you learn the system. That’s simplistic and doesn’t allow for individual variation. But, come on, there are core facts!

You shouldn’t help an overly compulsive, worrisome mother develop her own style of intruding and controlling her children’s lives. You have to stand for the child’s need for autonomy and reasonable risk-taking because it’s developmentally necessary.

You don’t help a dad with high achievement standards and a stoic outlook develop a program for pushing for high performance in all areas that winds up ignoring his children’s emotional needs and vulnerabilities. You have to take a stand for the emotional security of the children.

You don’t help the mother who is worried about hurting her child’s feelings or causing a rift in the parent-child relationship develop a system that is permissive, with few boundaries and low expectations on the child, where the primary goal is to make sure the child approves of the mother’s choices. You take a stand for the child’s need for boundaries and expectations as a model for self-control.

My strong response to some of these aspects of other coaches’ web sites helped me reinforce some of my core values for my practice, so it was very helpful in that regard. But this experience stirred up a lot of worries that what I want to offer and what I believe in may not be the service parents are willing to pay to get. I’ve chosen this work because I know there are important things that children and adolescents need from their parents to develop compassion, empathy, self-control, morality, and strong character. I will encourage parents to learn about those things, help teach them the information, and help train them in the skills they can use to guide their children towards adulthood as capable, responsible, and fulfilled people capable of enjoying life and sharing it with others.

And as I speak about and write about what I believe, I have to trust my words will reach parents who want that future for their children and will be able to see that they need to learn certain principles and skills to help make it happen. I will coach them, as unique individuals, to help them find the specific skills and techniques for providing their children what they need. But I will always stand for the needs of the children and help parents see what they should be doing to cultivate the roots of resilience and the fruits of abundance in their children’s lives.

May You Know the Joy of Sharing Your Gifts,

Steve Coxsey

A lot of people I talk to seem trapped.

Some are trapped on the path of what they “should” be doing with their careers. They are spending a few years at one company and trying to get a better job at another company, which will lead to a different better job at a different company—and they aren’t sure where it stops and they know they don’t even want to take the ride.

Some are in jobs they’ve had for years, where they hear lots of promises of change and better opportunities, but all they get are empty words. They hang on wondering if the words will ever come true in spite of the evidence they see every day.

Some are bored, or even worse they feel like their souls are shriveling up. They pour their productive hours into monotonous tasks without meaning and with no end in sight. They don’t think they deserve to enjoy their work.

The sad thing, but also the powerful thing, is that all these people know they have a vision to do something unique that’s bigger and more fulfilling. But they won’t pursue the vision, because of what they “should” be doing instead, or because they’re holding on to safety and security while they whither away. Worse yet, some hold on to not-quite safety and not-really security hoping what they have will become “good enough” some day.

Fear is insipid. Creative career counselor Barbara Sher likes to refer to “the Dobermans” in our minds that start barking and howling when they sense danger—even when the danger is merely changing from the boring rut to the exciting unknown of possibility. Like the guard dogs, our internal Dobermans are overly alert and greatly exaggerate the threat, but we hear the barking and think it must be really dangerous so we pull back.

Most of our “support” systems just support the status quo. Be normal, like us. Don’t excel. Don’t do unique and exciting things. Have the same kinds of jobs and take the same kinds of vacations and enjoy the same kinds of activities as the rest of us. Then it will be really easy for us all to talk to each other, because we won’t have to stretch our minds, leave our comfort zones, and think.

I stand opposed to ruts that keep people from knowing their true nature and expressing their true talents.

I stand opposed to ruts that hold people back from taking reasonable risks to try the new, the unique, and the interesting.

I stand opposed to ruts that tell people fitting in with other people’s expectations is more important than creating a life that fits just right.

I stand for creative thought, visions pursued, authentic living, and the power of expressing your true self.

I stand for hope.

May You Know the Joy of Sharing Your Gifts,

Steve Coxsey

I have this idea that podcasting might be fun.

It’s an odd idea for someone with a voice like mine, which would be perfect for a mime.

Podcasting would be an avenue for teaching and explaining. It would be a way to share interviews with people about the paths to self-discovery they took and the accomplishments they achieved when they jumped out of the rut called “typical.”

It sounds like it could be a lot of fun. It will require learning some technical skills and doing things I haven’t done before.

When I was a kid my older brother took apart a radio shack tape recorder and found a way to use it as a P.A. system. We would talk into the little disc microphone and our voices would be amplified through the built-in speaker. We built a shack out of shipping crates under a tree and used it as our radio station. So, actually, this is not something I haven’t done before. I have a brief broadcast career. It just wasn’t recorded and isn’t available for download over the internet.

I have an iMac computer, which is supposed to be set up for podcasting. It has a program called “Garage Band” that can record a podcast. But I have to get very friendly with the computer screen to have my face close enough to the built-in mic to get an adequate recording.

I plugged an external mic into the iMac and tried to see how that would go. I also plugged headphones in so I could monitor how I sounded. Bad idea! Not only does it let me hear my own voice—it has a tiny delay, so I get tripped up waiting for my voice in my headphones to catch up with what I’m saying.

So far, I like how I sound best when I use the effect called “helium head” or something like that. I also like the one that makes me sound like the croaky electronic voice of Princess Leia in disguise as a bounty hunter.

I’m going to try to do this. I will sketch out some episodes with a few minutes of content each. I’ll try to add a little musical intro (that’s been a learning experience, too). I’ll find a low-cost way to get my podcasts hosted. It will help me focus on ideas I want to share and it will help me think about giving one piece of information at a time in a clear and understandable way.

And it will let me play with more of the features on my iMac! Playing is good, especially when it nearly looks like work.

May You Know the Joy of Sharing Your Gifts,

Steve Coxsey

Scott Peck, author of The Road Less Traveled, 25th Anniversary Edition : A New Psychology of Love, Traditional Values and Spiritual Growth, defines love as actively seeking that which is good for another person. It’s a focus of effort, mindfulness, and emotional energy on the needs of someone else.

I believe that one of the most effective ways to do this is through attentive observation. Attentive observation means you focus your awareness on another person, watching and listening and feeling and intuiting what is going on. It means you pay attention in a way that is undeniable, because you communicate what you are observing clearly and specifically.

Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish give great examples of the power of attentive observation in their book How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk. One area is effective praise. Instead of telling a child, “Wow! That’s fantastic!” they encourage parents to say, “I see lots of blue at the top of your painting, like it’s the sky, and this red building with a chimney could be a house. I see children playing by that tree, and there are lots of birds.” It is validating and empowering to be acknowledged in such a specific and direct way.

Another way they use attentive observation is to nudge a child towards correcting a behavior or solving a problem. “I see toys spread out all over the table we’ll need for dinner in about 15 minutes,” or “I hear two brothers arguing and I see one raising a toy to throw it!” This kind of attentive description puts the focus on the situation, not the child, but says to the child, “You can figure this out and make it right.”

A third amazing way they use attentive observation is to give deep encouragement and acknowledgement of strong character traits. It’s especially useful as a counterweight to a child’s negative self-image. For the child who gets low grades on homework and sometimes doesn’t bother to turn it in, they would suggest finding a way to “catch” the child being responsible, especially with schoolwork. Then they would give the report, “You’ve been working on that homework without a break this afternoon. That’s what I call diligent!”

They would also suggest finding everyday opportunities to summarize children’s behaviors. “When you held the door open for the woman carrying those packages, you were being courteous.” For a pattern, they recommend something like, “Sara, I’ve noticed you help your brother get ready and find his things. You understand he needs help because he’s young. That shows consideration.”

Attentive observation is powerful in therapy. It can be a gentle confrontation, such as, “One of your goals is to improve your relationship with your girlfriend, but you’ve just criticized her and talked about her like you don’t respect her.” It can summarize successes, like, “That’s three weeks without blowing money on a shopping binge.”

Attentive observation is powerful in coaching. Used to summarize and challenge, it helps propel a client forward. For example, “You set three major goals to accomplish by summer. Now you say you have too much to do and you’re getting frustrated. It sounds like all or nothing. Am I understanding it correctly?” Used to encourage, as in, “Based on what you accomplished last year, I have no doubt you’re the right person to be in charge of this,” it can provide authentic inspiration.

When delivered with compassion and respect, attentive observation is therapeutic, it is healing, and it is whole-making. It is also uplifting, it is encouraging, and it is compelling. It is intentional love.

May You Know the Joy of Sharing Your Gifts,

Steve Coxsey

Since I first started thinking years ago about working with people who want to add more enjoyment and fullness to their lives, I thought the best word to describe what I wanted to be was “mentor.” I’ve used that word in various ways since then, playing around with it in marketing ideas while trying to discover what I want my practice to be.

That’s why I was drawn to a brochure that came in the mail last year about a conference introducing a way that therapists can transition to coaching. It was from MentorCoach, founded by Ben Dean, Ph.D. The name told me I would find a view of coaching that was similar to how I was trying to define being a mentor. I wasn’t very articulate at explaining my concept of a personal growth and development counselor/human development consultant and trainer/positive counselor/mentor. Yes, I was that confused.

The MentorCoach view was close, but different enough that I resisted enrolling in coaching training for months because “coaching” is a box (see last week’s mini-rant). But then I started to understand coaching is a way of working with people I can add to my skill set. I saw the training as expanding instead of defining and limiting my practice. This month I began a class of basic coaching skills through MentorCoach and will be a Certified Mentor Coach upon successful completion of the course.

About two months ago I realized that the overall theme of my practice is mentorship. The role of mentor not only best defines how I will work with clients; it also describes the skills I want to help them achieve in their relationships with other people. I am defining my practice as a Mentor and Mentorship Coach.

But the word mentor is vaguely understood. Some people consider a mentor to be an unpaid older tutor or guide who is amazingly successful in the area another person wants to learn, especially in business or a career. Some people consider a mentor to be a volunteer who meets with an underprivileged child or teenager to be a role model of success and to encourage the young person to make good choices. Some people even consider a person they know only through books, interviews, and articles to be a mentor because that person has shared wisdom and experience that is helpful to the receiver.

I am developing my definition of mentor. Right now it is: a person who enters into a dynamic relationship with another person or group of people to guide the process of personal growth and development through self-discovery and shared knowledge, wisdom, and experience.

Mentorship, then, is (for now): the act of entering into a dynamic relationship with another person or group of people for the purpose of guiding the process of personal growth and development through self-discovery and shared knowledge, wisdom, and experience.

To that end, I have named my practice “Discovery Partners,” which for those following along makes a lot more sense than “Stick!” [Updated 10/24/2008 when moved to new online home: business name and URL were already registered so I eventually changed it to Discovery Lookout.]

I registered a web domain at www.MentorshipCoach.com, and set up my practice e-mail as Steve@MentorshipCoach.com. With that domain name chosen I have clarity about my practice, and I finally feel settled into a direction for my future work. [Updated 10/24/2008: hyperlinks removed because the clarity did not last so this URL and e-mail address are not the focus of my business. Go figure!]

May You Learn to Love Your Twisty Roads,

Steve Coxsey