Talking with other people is an important part of making a wise decision. We all need the additional information and the new perspective of good counsel. But not all counsel is good! We have to listen carefully to tell which part of the response is wisdom.

It’s kind of like asking someone to recommend a good restaurant. You get some good ideas, but you learn a lot about other people’s preferences and priorities. If you ask a more affluent friend who doesn’t worry so much about cost, she might recommend a place because of the extensive wine list and the exotic types of seafood. Ask a different friend and he might recommend a brewpub with dozens of beer choices, great burgers, and live music on Friday nights. Ask a different friend and she might recommend a new Thai place, while a fourth friend might have an old favorite “hole in the wall” he loves because they serve authentic Mexican food.

You certainly learn a lot doing that – about extensive wine lists, live music, and good Thai and Mexican food. But you don’t necessarily get your answer. Were you looking for a place to take guests from out of town to have a unique local experience? Were you looking for a place to entertain business clients? Were you trying to find a place to celebrate an anniversary? Your question is unique to your experience.

The past several days I’ve had the opportunity to notice some of the different ways people act when talking to someone with a challenge or a question. One of the most common is rambling story telling. Unfortunately for me, I’ve noticed it in myself as much as in other people. It works like this. Someone describes a situation that just happened or one that’s coming up soon. One of the listeners, or even eavesdroppers, jumps in and starts recounting a long tale about something more or less similar. There are rarely any good suggestions and rarely any valuable lessons learns, just a lot of details of the experience.

Another way of responding is similar but actually more annoying. A person pipes in with personal experience plus all the things he or she now knows that everyone else must do in the situation. It sounds something like this. “I had that problem when I was planning a trip for business. I got the run-around until I talked to a supervisor of group sales. That’s the key. It has to be a supervisor of group sales. Trust me, if you don’t do that you’re just wasting your time. That’s the only way I’ll handle it now.”

A third way is less immediately annoying and more insidious. Somebody who has no personal experience, has not read up on the subject, and has not done any research to get good answers, says, “I’ve heard that the most important thing is…” This could be a response to someone trying to decide about starting a blog or an e-mail newsletter, or someone deciding where to focus time and energy in a part-time business, or someone deciding how to define his or her target group for clients. The recommendations are often a paraphrase of some company’s marketing message, the one that’s trying to get you to buy their service. They’re also based on articles with “tips” for small business owners written by people with a corporate perspective and no understanding of solo entrepreneurs.

For example, someone might say, “I’ve heard the most important thing is to be able to post to your blog at least once a day.” Or someone might say, “I’ve heard it’s important to choose a target group that is very specific, like attorneys over fifty who love outdoor activities.” One of the most common is, “I’ve heard it’s really important to put your money into setting up a professional-looking web site so people will think you’re a big operation and not an individual.” That one seems to be rooted in the mistaken belief that it’s necessary to mimic corporations in order to be successful. Little proof is offered, because what “I’ve heard” is usually someone else’s unsubstantiated bias.

I’ve noticed one other action-deferring response lately. It’s the game of “Find the Expert.” A person is thinking about starting to use an autoresponder to build an e-mail list and send out regular information to prospects and clients. Someone says, “A colleague was talking about a class on online marketing and they covered autoresponders. I can find out who is teaching that class and get you the information.” A new business owner comments that it might be time to choose software for bookkeeping. Someone says, “I know a consultant who has a virtual assistant to handle the bookkeeping. I can get you the VA’s information if you want to find out how much it costs.”

A person who has gotten a couple of articles published in online magazines or e-mail newsletters mentions he or she wants to write more articles for marketing. Someone says, “There’s an entire program for using articles for marketing your business. My friend is almost finished with a twelve-week course and is getting some great results. I’ll get you the name of the program.” The action-halting message in these sorts of responses may not be intentional, but it’s powerful: You can’t do that on your own.

The more helpful responses are straightforward and simple. They are responses using coaching skills. For example, when someone mentions getting two articles published and wants to do more, the coaching question might be as simple as, “When can you have your next article finished?” The coaching question to the person trying to decide if it’s time to get an autoresponder and start e-mailing clients might be, “What do you want this to do for your business?” The guy who got in the middle of re-arranging his home office and got overwhelmed by the piles and stacks of clutter might be asked, “What will it take for you to get all of it put away?”

That’s the “Duh!” moment. It’s a powerfully simple question, but most people don’t ask powerfully simple questions. This was my experience last week, while doing a homework exercise with a colleague in advanced coaching skills class. I would look at the mess in my re-arranged office, get stuck on where to start, and then put it out of my mind. So it stayed cluttered for days. That made it a great situation to use in our homework. That question changed the situation from overwhelming to annoying but doable.

The next question, just as simple, was even more powerful. “What’s the first step?” The bookcases are cluttered, tops of furniture are stacked with papers and books, and the closet is disorganized. It’s where I kept getting stuck. To clear off one area I need to put things away in another area, which is also a mess, but can’t be cleared until a different area is organized. Before, I would quit after about three rounds. With the focused question, I found the one section of the room where I can start. And I divided the job into eight unique tasks and posted them by my desk. Now I can tackle the tasks one at a time, once a day or every other day or even once a week.

The coaching question doesn’t pile up story after story with no helpful information. It focuses on the key part of my own story I need to change. The coaching question doesn’t give me someone else’s idea or opinion. It energizes my own. The coaching question doesn’t care what other people have heard is important in the situation. It asks what is important to me. The coaching question doesn’t defer to experts and warn that I can’t take steps without their guidance. It empowers me to do what I need to do in the way that is right for me.

The coaching question is often so easy to answer it seems simplistic, but when I answer it I have such certainty I sometimes get distracted wondering why I didn’t figure it out on my own. It’s because the answer is stuffed away in all the clutter of other people’s stories, advice, and expert opinions. The coaching question helps me dig through all that immediately so I can see the answer.

May You Know the Joy of Sharing Your Gifts,

Steve Coxsey